Lost Opportunity

As regular readers know, I am being investigated by CPS on very weak "charges".  At this point, the charge is a messy house.  Today, I had a reality check when a wonderful group of people from a coworker's church came over to help me with some big projects I need to do at my house.  The planning of this started before the CPS investigation.  These wonderful people are going to help me refloor the whole downstairs, do landscaping, paint and do little jobs such as  replacing ceiling fans.  I decided to tell my co-worker about the CPS thing before he came so he could give me an honest appraisal.  He was shocked.  He said everything about my house looks completely normal and that all of the work I need done is cosmetic (except the big bathroom project that someone has been working on for awhile).  So I guess the camera crew for this hoarder who is in denial will have to wait awhile longer.

So, those are my wonderful opportunities.  But this post is about a lost opporrtunity.

My 16 year old daughter decided she would get started on a big project with the help of one of the church members and she actually completed it after they left.  She and my 12 year old son who is alienated from everyone in the family in some ways and her completely worked together on the entire project.  It was great to see because she ignores him and he doesn't like her.  Yet, he wants her approval so badly.  He wants to be like her.  Heartwarming...yes.  Until I blew it.

I noticed that he was painting too quickly and making some messy errors.  Since it was the foyer  and hallway, I got very agitated because that will be Ms. Social Worker's first view.  So, I went off.  I yelled at her for trusting my very destructive son with such a task and basically crushed his sense  of pride for doing something positive instead of negative.  : (

My daughter let me know I was out of line and I was.  I felt terrible.  The bigger picture was lost because we're all living in terror of this judgmental woman who cannot imagine how we live or what's important to us.

So, we skipped church and I cleaned the house and did house projects from 7 am until midnight.  Does that mean my house was a disaster?  No, it's normal.  It is impossible to make a 2000 square foot house with  10, 12, 13, 16 and 49 year old humans and two teenage (read: old) cats look perfect.  Especially when it's an older home and you're in middle of home improvement projects.

I honestly feel like I have no control over the outcome of this .  It depends on what SHE wants and what SHE says.

OCD

 I have it.

It makes it difficult when I'm in situations like my current one.  The most common way it manifests itself is with obsessive thoughts.  At certain times on my life, it has been torture (when I was 7 and my dad was in Vietnam, after my mom left when I was 9, during high school and then college...and finally obsessing about my daughter to an unhealthy degree when she was a baby.  Health anxiety has been prominent in many phases of my life to an obsessive degree).  I also have had counting rituals and obsessive checking at times in my life.  The  way it manifests itself seems to depend on my stage of life and particular stressors.

I was first diagnosed when I was in my early 20s when I weighed under 60 lbs, yet my anorexia nervosa seemed to be unusual compared to many typical cases.  The doctor suggested that it seemed more like OCD with major anxiety.  I have taken medication at various times in my life and probably should be currently.  I think this may have a genetic component.

Everyone has some tendencies that could be  viewed as being symptoms of OCD as they are all based on something "normal" (washing your hands, checking your stove, cleaning your house, worrying, etc), but the key is the degree to which  it interferes with your life and normal functioning.  There were times in my childhood and young adulthood where it was the dominant factor.  So, who knew?  Mostly no one.  OCD is a very internalized problem and that adds to the torture and loneliness.

My current situation has me viewing everything through the prism of an upcoming catastrophe. The ongoing stress in my life seems like it's leading to an inevitable bad outcome. I need to feel like I have control in my life and it seems like it's slipping away.  I think part of it is that I have been very open and I  am very self deprecating.  People hear this and it's being used against me now.  You have to be very careful about who to trust and who to vent around (I know that it's ironic that I'm typing that on a blog).  I know some wonderful people, but I don't think most people can understand what moms of traumatized kids go through.  It's never normal, but it's OUR normal.

A New Day

I have a better perspective today.  I so appreciate the words of support on my blog and on Facebook.  It gave me strength.  My 16 year old daughter also hugged and kissed me which meant so much. 

Today,  I felt more angry than distraught.  Why should I be bullied?  The thought of a stranger coming into my house and putting me down like that...wow!  I am already so hard on myself.  That was almost unbearable .  And she went so far.  Even when we stepped outside (and my HUGE lawn was mowed and there we no toys left out), she complained about the spider webs on the siding and the weeds among the bushes and the fact that there was a book on our bench. (Both women kept saying, "We hate mess").

I wrote a letter that I am planning to send to several people and agencies. 

Last night at 2:00 am, I was awakened by my 16 year old daughter crying that she had a nightmare and asking if she could sleep with me.  This is a totally independent teenager.  I asked her about it and she said she dreamed they were taking her away from me and she couldn't stop them.  This is a child who was an only child into her teens and then had her world disrupted when I adopted three more kids.

It's been a hard road for all of us and this is the LAST thing she should have to worry about!!  But she knows that the social worker did say that she would take "all four" of my kids if the house isn't cleaned "thoroughly".  They also let the kids know that they can come by any time.  It's like we're hostages in our own home.  It's scary because our house is cleaner and tidier than some of the families we know.

I'm not sure what will happen next.  I have requested that a supervisor come to my house instead of the two  social workers.  The deadline for me "cleaning my house thoroughly, exclamation point times two" is next Monday, so I wonder if they'll come then.

And this is all in addition to "real life" stuff.

CPS Nightmare Redux

Over two months ago, my children were taken out of class at their respective schools because someone had reported that I had a hole in my kitchen ceiling (true) and that we had no running water (never true).    Also,  I found out today, it was stated erroneously that I don’t seek counseling for my children’s mental health needs (untrue, my kids have received counseling through a mental health agency and private sources for years and we are working with their family assistance program also. I have a referral into a new family counseling service and I am working with a hospital to have my boys evaluated.   My children are all on medication and have pediatric check-ups every two to three months).  

 It seemed that the social worker was not too concerned because after the first day, she did not call me back to schedule a follow up for a long time.  I called back several  times and only got the answering machine. Then this morning, she came to my house.

When we awoke, the electricity was off.  My kids ate and were in their bedrooms while  I was working on trying to work out an insurance issue for one of my children which I had been doing for about an hour when there was a loud bang on the door.  My kids looked out the window and said there were two well-dressed African American women outside.  I assumed they were Jehovah’s Witnesses since we weren’t expecting anyone and that’s common in our neighborhood.  My kids are not allowed to open the door for strangers.  Several minutes later, there was loud banging on the door and someone was yelling in the door for me.  I had to abandon the important call and get dressed.  

It was apparent immediately that I was in trouble as I had taken too long to answer the door.  Another issue was that there was an overwhelming odor that I had never smelled before downstairs.  I’m not going to lie:  it was really bad!  I didn’t have any time to process this because of course she noticed.  We discovered the unusual source of the odor after she left and took care of it (I had thought it was a dirty litter box, but it wasn’t).  Also, she wanted to know  ”who was asleep on my couch”.  Answer:  my teenager, but the tone made me feel embarrassed.

The social worker was very confrontational .    She told us that we had to find our two cats and put them away because they were both highly allergic and didn't like cats.  I tend to be very civil in all situations, but she was so aggressive.  She told me to turn on the lights.  I said we didn’t have any on.  She asked why.  I said the electricity is off.  She said, “Why is your electricity off?” in such an accusatory way that I did snap at her and say I didn’t know.  The electricity was all off all day all over my part of the county but it sounded like she wanted me to say that I hadn’t paid my bill.  

She walked around the house which I would say is a bit messy, but okay for a busy family of 5.  We spend a couple of hours a day tidying and cleaning and I do ten or more loads of laundry a week.  All the kids have chores.   My daughter had just taken out the recycling and trash and had dropped a chicken bone from the bag in the kitchen.  The social worker went off about this.  She also went off about my library (where the kids are not allowed to go) because I had piles of books everywhere.   My summer project is sorting the books to give many of them away because we have having several rooms of our house remodeled and we have too many books.   I apologized to the social worker because we have so many books!   She told me to do something about that!

  She pointed out everything that was out of place.   She told me that I need to teach my kids better and take more pride in my home.  She said her kids listen when she tells them to do something and mine can too.   She glanced about the rest of the house and the only truly messy room is my sons’ room because they are very destructive.  I have to monitor them every minute to make sure it stays contained to their bedroom only.  Ironically, my kids think I'm a clean fanatic.

I was told that she had planned to dismiss the case, but she couldn’t because my house was too messy.  She said she would develop a Safety Plan for me to sign.  She said if my house wasn’t clean  by next week , she could take all four of my kids.    My 16 year old (who had been traumatized by the visit to her high school months ago)  told the social worker she didn’t want to be taken away.  She responded, “I don’t know what your mother has told you…”  The answer is that my teenager is the one that was made to believe that.  I had told her there was no chance that they would take children because they were having home repairs done.  She now knows that I was wrong.
 

Then she brought the other social worker in after I put the cats away.  This social worker talked to my boys about helping out, but it was obvious that they have no insight into the levels of issues with my boys.   But one did say, "have you ever considered that some of your kids may have Reactive Attachment Disorder?"

 They showed me the “Safety Plan” and I asked what I could do if I disagreed with it since I was signing a document that said I recognize that my kids can be taken away if I don’t  clean my house.  She said in a hostile voice that I could see them in court.  What I meant was not that I wouldn’t comply, but rather that I did not agree that I don’t do my laundry, clean my toilets (which she didn’t see), clean linens,  vacuum, take out the trash, etc.  the one thing I did agree with her about was the litter box because the odor was bad and it is not typically.  After she left we discovered that the smell was not the litter boxes which we scrub every Sunday, but rather something that my elderly sick cat had done that needed to be cleaned up.  Once it was cleaned up, there was no odor.

After they left we were shell shocked.  I just cried because being a single mom of 4 teens and preteens  with special needs is hard enough without the added expectation of a spotless house.  I put enough pressure on the kids about keeping the house clean.  

 It’s doubtful that my children will be taken because there is absolutely no danger to their physical well-being or safety.  I am a very protective parent.  However, I do see this bombastic style of confronting my family as emotionally damaging to them as individuals and as detrimental to our fragile sense of ourselves as a family unit.  It is not easy to bring together so many older children who have not lived together and create a sense of family unity.  The result of this morning’s visit was not that everyone decided to stick together and work this out as a family, but rather to place blame on those that were responsible for the “messes” and to wonder if some can stay and some can go if it comes to that.  One asked if only the sloppiest of them can go and I had to explain that the issue wasn’t whether they were too sloppy, but whether I was good enough parent to them.  One said that perhaps he should be the one to go since he breaks everything.  This is a heartbreaking situation for me.

Wow...So long

I haven't posted in so long. I do follow other people's blogs though.

Updates:

CPS just called me again and left a message to talk about the referral.  I have spoken to no one since my kids were interviewed (see previous post).  I guess they can't be too worried, but I need to have this resolved.

Summer is here.  Trying to provide routine and structure or we will all go mad.

We are working on getting more assistance and some evaluations.

Teens and preteens are so hard to deal with....

I will definitely update more during the summer.

Child Protective Services

Well...the good news is that the major crisis only lasted a day or two before I was able to isolate the problem and begin to work on a solution.  The bad news is:  we had a visit from Child Protective Services!

My teenager called me from school hysterically crying because she had been pulled out of class and interviewed by two CPS workers about my neglect due to our unsafe house.  Apparently all three of my other children were subjected to the same.  How traumatic is it for children who have been permanently removed from their birth home by CPS to be interviewed by CPS in their adoptive home?  Ms D has asked me ten times since I picked her up early from track practice if they are going to take her away from me.

The terrible neglect/child endangerment issue is that my shower sprung a leak in the wall two weeks ago and it leaked through the kitchen ceiling onto the stove and floor.  I am having to have the bathroom floors, some walls and kitchen ceiling replaced in addition to fixing the plumbing problem.  I can't afford to do all this at once.  For two days, I turned all the water off UPSTAIRS (until I could isolate where all the leaks are coming from) which meant we had to use toilets and sinks downstairs and for a couple of days, I took them to a friends house to shower.

 Once I found out where the leak was by taking down part of the kitchen ceiling to see the pipes , I turned the hot water only off upstairs and I turn it back on when we bathe.  The only limitation we have is the kids have to take a bath and they'd rather take showers (although it's hard to get Sean to take either).  That's the whole plumbing story.  The other thing that happened is that a connection must be loose in the wall because the electricity to the upstairs bathrooms and one of the bedrooms (MINE!) went out last weekend, so we are having to use flashlights in there.  I am the main one suffering because of that, not them.

I have told this story to some people for two reasons: 1)  It kind of illustrates my life in a humorous way ("It's always something") and 2)  I was hoping someone could recommend a really nice electrician and/or plumber who could do some work and hold off full payment until my tax refund comes (which is being delayed because all returns that took an adoption tax credit are).  I just saved up and paid $5300 for a new heat pump last month so we would have heat and a/c, so I'm a bit broke.

Here's why I'm angry:  I'm angry that there is someone who thinks so little of me that they believe I would endanger my kids.  I'm angry that someone didn't just come talk to me about it since it's obviously an inconvenience, but not neglect.  I'm angry that with no emergency situation, they went to my kids' school instead of just calling me and coming here to see for themselves and talk to them here.  I'm upset that someone went to my children's school WHERE I WORK to investigate ME.  I'm angry that I cannot trust anyone we have interacted because someone decided that instead of offering help, it was better to add more stress to my life.  I'm angry that someone upset my kids (who have trauma overload) over something that they have pretty much taken in stride.  I'm angry because I have to be investigated by Child Protective Services because my shower and sink pipes sprung leaks resulting in me having to do expensive home repairs.  Heck, maybe they will decide my home is "unlivable" and then we can be homeless!

I actually thought this was a pretty typical kind of penny-strapped, homeowner problem to have and I know many people who have gone through this and none of them had a CPS "file" because of it.

I feel like I cannot get a break.  This feels like a slap in the face.

Crisis/Emergency/Drama???

I haven't posted in awhile because..well frankly, few people read  my blog, so it's more of a journal....and real life has reared its ugly head often lately.

Here's where I stand in life:

• My adoption tax credit has gone the way most of ours have...April 5, April 12, April 19, Review.  Endless letters and sending the same stuff.  I called today and they said to call again in 45 days.  But I feel it is an emergency that I need my money NOW.
• My kids have major issues and I am feeling more and more distant from them...or maybe I have major issues.
• I have major home repair issues that are pushing me over the top.
• We have only one sink and one toilet available--no bath or showers, so we'll have to make arrangements.
• I am despondent tonight...

I don't feel I can deal with any of my issues while my house is literally falling apart.  There are leaks and damage in both of my upstairs bathrooms to the point that showers, toilets and sinks are leaking through the ceiling into the kitchen and are unavailable.  Major leaks that involve six pans, multiple holes and no end in sight.  And incredible mold.  I cannot get the leaking to stop even by shutting off all water and I have to empty all the pans every two hours.  I have to work tomorrow.  I am a middle school special education teacher.

I have a handyman who is trying to help me with some repairs each Saturday for the past few weeks.  He has replaced doors that my kids tore off the hinges, done some bathroom work and he will do many more repairs.  But after this Saturday's visit, everything fell apart.  Both bathrooms started leaking in multiple places...apparently from very old plumbing just decaying.

If I had the tax credit, I'd still be stressed (and terribly disappointed  that I couldn't build a savings for padding), but I could call someone to fix stuff.

Oh, and the electricity went off last week due to faulty wiring, so I have no electricity upstairs...circuit breakers appear fine (thankfully, it's okay downstairs where the major appliances are).

As it stands, I have $8 in my checking account.  I have no reserve.  I get paid again on May 6.   My kids' expectations are that everything is normal and they can demand whatever they usually do.  The leaking from the upstairs toilet is directly on the stove and splattering everywhere, so I have had to make the kitchen off limits.

 I am in a crisis and I hate it.  Although I am usually hanging on by a thread, I still always come through tough times.  But for now,   I can't get the water to stop.  I am alone.  There really is no resolution.  I just have to wait and have every day be like "Ground Hog Day."   Same thing everyday...no bathrooms, no kitchen...no solution.

I hope that I will have a different perspective tomorrow night...and that the water will STOP.