Wednesday, June 25, 2014


Revisiting my blog and pondering all the changes.

My oldest is 19.  She went to private college for a year thanks to much stress and my dad making arrangements for payment and expectations  that have made me a bundle of nerves every second she has been there.  She was a member of the University of Notre Dame marching band last year.  Her GPA was too low to continue and she came home.  She did a year at community college and got A's.  She is returning  in the fall.  I'm proud, but soooo nervous.

My 16 year old flounders.  She has a 1.5 GPA through her sophomore year.  She has no thoughts about post high school life.  She seems like she's 12.  I'm not sure how to parent her.  She still calls me mommy though.

My 15 year old son is in a residential school and I pay for some of it.  Life has been much more manageable with him there, but it is 100 miles away and requires frequent visits and therapy sessions.  He's making progress and he's safe.

My 13 year old is doing fairly well at my middle school.  He is into robotics and has lots of quirks, but lots of potential.  He's probably "on the spectrum", but it's not that relevant all things considered.

Mostly, everything and everyone is too complicated to sum up in a few sentences.  And I am still a jumble of mixed emotions, bad parenting, survival and moments of clarity that make me feel hopeful.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Is it worth it?

I'm trying to figure this out.  I am currently parenting children ages 17, 14, 13 and 12.  I am trying to guide them into adulthood.  Report cards just came out.   This leads to thinking where the kids will be at age 18.  The day to day struggles are intense, but I want them to be successful adults.  Grades aren't everything and they all have so much potential, but they also have so many other challenges that I am worried.

My oldest had a 3.1 GPA for the quarter which is fine except that she won a college scholarship in 3rd grade and needs to end with 2.8 GPA to get it.  Her GPA going in is 2.67.  It's fine, but she needs better.

My middle kids (8th and 9th grade) continue to struggle despite high intellectual potential.  They don't take my advice and they rebel.  1.7 and 1.3 GPA.

My 6th grade son had a 4.0 average for the first quarter of middle school.  Great accomplishment with much pressure from me.  He argues and whines but he does take my advice about school.  I am proud of him.

Day to day life is stressful and I want to enjoy it more.  Part of my stress is them, but most of it is  probably me.  I think they can all be successful in adulthood, but the time is near..and some of them are not doing well.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Life now

It has been so long since I have posted..and it's only because I know no one reads my blog.  So, I put my efforts elsewhere.  Yet, I check the blogs I am following through this one DAILY.

In the past year:  More tough stuff.  Sean stealing from me including bank cards, cash from my wallet,  bank account numbers...and the usual lesser stuff.  But now stealing from others including a store for the first time.  The other kids with their own issues.

A year of health issues for me...going in for regular stuff and being investigated for serious disease.   Blood in urine leads to yucky tests which leads to CT Scan which leads to ultrasound which leads to ugly growth on ovary possible ovarian cancer.  Surgery to remove ovary and fallopian tube and "mass".   NOT cancer.

Then my mom  is diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer.  Seems to be okay now... I am her research person.,..radiation pending.

My dad is taking me to Ireland the first week of July and arrangements for my kids have been made and changed based on family circumstances (military deployment etc)... Now that has become a big stresser as I think some of them may be more than my family can handle....

Day to day life is son has been suspended next week.

Life does not seem very meaningful right now and I must bring back some sense of finding meaning.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Stormy Weather

Earthquakes  Hurricanes?  Why is Mother Nature mimicking my home life?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Leaving on a Jet Plane

What could be better than spending 7 pm to 3 am in the emergency room?  Having to get up a 6 am to go to the airport to fly to Texas with my boys!  She's fine...but I am exhausted especially mentally.  I'll be back on Saturday.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Fear of Flying

I have it.

I flew many, many times as a kid (I was on my 3rd passport at age 11!)  Age 11 is when I developed the fear and I flew alone many times between the ages of 11 and 16 including back and forth to England alone at the ages of 11 and 14!

But I stopped in 1978.  Yes,  33 years ago was the last time I flew on an airplane.  I have taken many Amtrak trains all over the country (love the sleeper cars) and I regularly drive thousands of miles in a couple of weeks' time.  But I have managed to avoid flying.  My 16 year old brother came to visit me when I was 27 and my grandmother died in Texas.  We took a bus from DC to San Antonio and arrived in time for the funeral.  THAT'S a devoted non-flyer!

My fear is partly an extreme fear of heights, partly my need to always be in control, and generally part of my OCD/anxiety pattern of thinking.  I do understand that it is the safest mode of travel.  I do understanding how extremely more dangerous driving is.  How SAFE an activity is does not always correlate with how SCARY it is.  For me flying is scary.  Yet, I am also fascinated by it (aren't we often morbidly interested in stuff that scares us?)

So, what is the point of this post?  I am flying with my boys to Texas on Tuesday morning.  I haven't had time to wrap my mind around the fear which is good I guess.  But it is also a sign that I have so much to worry about that I can't even focus on my phobia.  I am afraid that this will catch up with me at the airport.  I am worried about all the arrangements I have to make for my daughters and everything else.  Plus, just the day to day life we live.

This trip occurred because my stepmother was about to trade in her car when she decided to give it to me.  I am about to have another driver, so it's a godsend.  It's a 2008 Ford Escape.  The only problem was how to get it from Texas.  So, we're flying down and driving back.

So, hopefully, I can survive the worry about being away from my girls for five days and the three day drive with two little boys...and the airplane flight!

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Once again, I couldn't find my 12 year old son tonight. I called him to dinner and he wasn't in his room.  He was "grounded" today and wasn't even allowed to go outside.  I took them to a Japanese restaurant and we did family things, but he knew he could not go outside to play.  Two hours later, it was after 9 and dark and he still wasn't home and no one on our street had seen him. Finally, I got a lead that he might be with some friends (girls) in another neighborhood. I went to the neighborhood and there were flashing lights of the police.
Of course, it was that house. Cops are everywhere in the neighborhoods near us and the girl's poor dad had just given him a ride home and had been pulled over for a minor traffic violation. He was getting a ticket. He said my son told him his curfew was 11:00, but that "didn't sound right." His response when I asked him about this, "I said my curfew is BEFORE 11:00 which technically every time is.  So, it was the truth."  
My son seems so normal to everyone, but he does not follow any of my rules or directions or have any sense of boundaries.    I have had an occasional problem with my 16 year old daughter not coming home on time, but the biggest difference is she sees the consequence of it and feels (or at least shows) more remorse.  The stress of not knowing where your child is and not having anyway to contact them is the worst feeling in the world.
I don't know that I am cut out to parent teens and preteens.  I need to have too much control over my life.