"Book smart with no common sense"

That describes my three younger children.

They are all very intelligent, inquisitive children.  Above grade level academically.  But they walk around in their own little world, especially Ms. Tween and L'il E.

They do not have a sense of their bodies or their environment.  They bump into things and people.  They have to be reminded to do the simplest things.  They break things.  They lose everything.  They start to do things and they forget what they're doing.  They drop stuff that they are not aware that they are dropping.  They step on stuff they are not aware that they are stepping on.  They almost ALWAYS leave the car door open when they walk out of the car.  When they get out of the car and stuff falls out, they NEVER pick it up or even seem to notice.  They leave the water running.  They never take responsibility for any of this.

An example is that I had to run a very quick errand while Ms. Tween was out playing with friends.  Ms. Tween had to go to the bathroom, but the door was locked.  She decided that if she stuffed the lock with mulch, it would unlock it.  She is almost 13.  L'il E did the same thing with my car door lock last year.  So now, I have to remember to leave the door unlocked when we are not home or we are locked out.  Sean's solution to the mulch lockout was to go around the house and climb on a wobbly grill to scale the fragile deck and go through my 2nd story bedroom door.  He could have been hurt badly.

Never a dull moment.

I think I might be able to deal with one child like this, but having 3 is exhausting.  I have to check everything all the time.

I wonder if this will get better as they get older.  Will they develop the skills they need to complete the tasks of daily living?  Will they be able to have the jobs that their extreme intelligence indicates they could have?

I feel incompetent so often when I see how they are and then I feel angry with them for being so "smart" and so "dumb" at the same time.  I think it's hardest to have kids with these "invisible" disabilities.

Unplugged

My kids watch very little tv and have no access to video games.

This was not always the case.  When the 3 youngest moved in, I let them watch tv since I let my oldest watch tv.  But tv soon ruled our lives.  Little E was obsessed with tv and "lost himself" in this make believe world.  He started getting up at 5 am to watch it and I was so tired, I let him.  He had never seen cable tv, so he was fascinated that there was always another cartoon on.  It was an easy babysitter for me with these challenging kids.

But whenever L'il E was told to turn the tv off (even with plenty of warning), he exploded.  He raged and destroyed stuff.  He attacked me.  We missed appointments.  Life was hell.

Then I made a decision.  We would not watch tv  (well, THEY wouldn't...I still had a small one in my room).  Soon after that, the tv broke which was fine.

Our family life became instantly better.  With no electronics (tv, video games, etc), the kids had to find other things to do.  My boys read the whole Harry Potter series twice and are voracious readers.  They played board games (and broke them, but that's another post).  They built things.  And the tantrums diminished.

Then, last Christmas, my dad told me he would be getting us a large flat screen tv.  I was thrilled with his generosity.  But I had mixed feelings.  NO television was good!

We got the tv and the kids love it.  But tv is not a part of our everyday life.  We watch a movie every week or two and the kids watch tv occasionally (less than an hour a week and never on school days).  L'il E still loves tv and will ask for "one more show" but he accepts no.

This was such a good decision and helped our family life so much.  Even my two middle kids have to admit that they have had to be much more creative since they couldn't rely on watching tv.  I feel guilty sometimes that they miss programs their peers see and don't always know the "latest" whatever. But while my kids break all kinds of rules, none of them would ever turn on the tv without permission.  And they don't question it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with television per se.  But our lives are better without too much of it.

Sean

Sean is the child who is breaking my heart.

Sean is 11 years old.  He came to live with me from another state a few days before he turned 9.  Our adoption was finalized when he was 10.  He was in foster care for 6 years.

Sean is brilliant.  He is a math whiz.  He reads on a high school level.  He is an incredible writer.  He is an artist who draws beautifully.  He has a mind for Science and can build and create things out of any objects.  He is talented in so many ways. 

Sean has extreme ADHD and takes medication which helps him immensely.  He has at times been my most cooperative child.

Sean is an anomaly.

Sean has a history of stealing from me, lying to me and disappearing for hours.  His room is full of trash, food remnants and bugs as a result of this.  

Sean's intelligence makes him a frustrating person to deal with once he's determined that he is right.  He is argumentative with me.  He can be outwardly defiant and passive aggressive.  Sean cannot be left alone at home because he will go in my room (or any other room) and take stuff.

Sean wants to do well in school.  But his disorganization makes this difficult.  He does his homework and doesn't turn it in.  In middle school, he is on the advanced track, but it's kicking his butt.

The hardest thing lately is Sean wants to have power over me.  And he does on a certain level.  He purposely makes me late for work.  I am a middle school teacher and I have a homeroom.  I must be at work before the kids.  But I have not been there lately.  He will not get in the car and he tells me he wants me to be late. I start my day with this stress and then I end it with stress when he has to stay awake until late at night.  I can't go to sleep until he is asleep.

Sean is loud and obnoxious.  Sean is quiet and contemplative.  If I told him this, I can hear him now, "Mom!  I'm a walking oxymoron!"  Yes, son, you are.

I love this boy.  I will feel really bad about my lack of parenting skills if he does not grow into a wonderful and responsible man.

Yet, I feel my overstressed, sarcastic parenting style is creating some monsters.  And Sean seems more than happy to star in my horror film (well...maybe psychological thriller).  I know parenting has its ups and downs, but I am getting more and more worried that there will be no happy ending to this story.

A "Trip" to Delaware

As usual, my kids were charming, sweet and fun with their grandparents who we see once or twice a year.  We had a great dinner in Delaware.  It is so cool to see my father be a grandpa spoiling his grandkids as his own kids didn't know the meaning of the word "spoiled." 

Their beverage with their meals was root beer floats!!  Then they had ribs, steaks, seafood, etc followed by fancy desserts.  My meal was delicious, but I felt compelled to monitor the kids constantly.  It's amazing how much less of a stickler my dad is for table manners now.  But he did manage to pass that along to me : )

My dad and stepmother both have high profile jobs that have them traveling more often than they're home.  It's exciting for my kids to see their lifestyle and feel that they are part of a larger family.  It is especially important since our nearest relative geographically is 1700 miles away.

It's flattering to hear what a wonderful job I'm doing with my children, but I know that the truth behind closed doors is much more complicated.  Yet, it's nice to have a brief break from the day to day stress.

Grandparents

Tomorrow we are having a surprise dinner with my Dad and Stepmom, so I thought I'd write about my kids' relationship with my parents.

My parents divorced when I was 9 and remarried when I was 9 and 10.  So, I have 4 parents.  My Dad and Stepmom ("Grandma and Grandpa") and My Mother and Stepfather ( "Bubba and Pop").

My parents adored the little Diva when I adopted her 15 years ago as an infant.  She was the only grandchild they had for 5 years and she was special.  Eventually, more grandchildren were added to the family through my brothers.  But she was the FIRST.

My Dad was especially taken with her...and he's not especially fond of little kids.  But she was a charmer.  My dad is very into genealogy and has spent much time tracing his Irish roots.  He has biological grandkids now.  Yet, when he took a trip around Europe on business for 3 weeks when Ms. D was 11 years old, he took her.  My African American daughter was the child they chose to share my Dad's Irish roots with and my Stepmom's Eastern European roots.  When she came home she called herself a "Citizen of the World" and said she was "Half Irish and half Lithuanian" because of all the distant "relatives" she had met.

So, when I set out to adopt one child that turned into 3, all my parents were opposed.  They felt I was ruining Ms. D's life.  They let me know that I was on my own with this decision.  The kids had a difficult adjustment.  Ms D had a miserable adjustment.  No one was happy.  My family softened a bit when it was a reality and felt bad that it was so hard, but they still felt sorry for Ms. D.

Fast forward 2 years:  We went to visit both sets of grandparents this past summer.  They all live 1700 miles away.  My Dad said my kids are "wonderful".  Wonderful!   He's the quintessential grandpa and cherishes that role.  He let me be the disciplinarian parent while he got to enjoy his role.

Except for one thing.  He was appalled at how the princess, Ms. D, still treats her siblings and he had a private talk with her.  A tough love kind of talk.  It made a difference.  Grandpa took the photo that is at the top of my blog.

So, we've come full circle.  My parents love all the kids.  I am just so happy that my children get to  have that special grandparent relationship.  It's a gift.

The Inmates are Running the Asylum

I don't even know how to begin to post about today, so I'll let the title speak for itself.  I doubt that any series of events the readers could imagine would be worse than today.

I appreciate the comments and suggestions I have gotten.  I am definitely seeing that we need more supports in place.

Negative Nelly

I feel like this blog has been negative so far.  And I don't mean it to be.  Our lives ARE very stressful.  But lately, it's been so much worse for me.

I have never liked the summer with its hot weather and lack of structure.  This past summer we did have a mostly fun 3500 mile round trip by car (ONE driver) to visit family.  THAT was an adventure and I lived through it.  But for the rest of the summer, money was tight and stress was high.

So, I was expecting life to get back to "normal" when school started.  But it's just added another layer of stress.  I have had some health problems that are probably partly stress related.  Everything feels overwhelming. 

I have always been happy to be a single parent, but it feels very lonely and overwhelming lately.  The children are all too immature and self centered to worry about me.  And I am reluctant to share the level of dysfunction in my home to anyone else including family.  So, I struggle alone.

My children are so high maintenance.  Maybe all kids are, but mine feel so much more than most and it doesn't feel like it gets better as they get older.  It may be worse or maybe it just ticks me off more to have to constantly pick up after kids who are 10, 11, 12 and 15.   And they don't seem to care.

The worst part is that it is taking the joy out of our lives.  My children all have wonderful qualities and we could have so much fun together.  But I can't get beyond the day to day survival mode.

So, how does one get past this and find joy?  I miss the feeling of looking forward to fun things.  I miss not being angry.  My children will only be young once and I want them to have good memories.

School Days

I am a middle school teacher.  I used to be an elementary school teacher.  My oldest daughter attended my schools from mid-1st grade through 8th grade.  She was in one of my classes in 7th grade.  There were never any issues.

Last year, Ms. Tween started middle school at my school.  I spent the year ducking from the 6th grade teachers as she had a very difficult, ADHD-dominated year. She wasn't "bad", but she also never turned in homework and classwork and exhibited some passive aggressive behaviors.

This year, I am blessed with 2 of my children at my school and I now have child-related stress from 6:00 am until at least midnight.  They are SO  ADHD.  They are very smart...advanced on all the state tests...but they are disorganized.  They lose everything.  They seem unaware of their environments and where they are in the moment. 

I am an 8th grade teacher who is now ducking 6th AND 7th grade teachers.

Today, a teacher brought my son to my classroom at dismissal because of his attitude.  I am having such a hard time with him.  He is very oppositional in the morning and often makes me late.  I don't know what to do because I can't just leave him.  This morning, I was making lunches and he demanded that I sign his intramural sports permission form now.  I told him it would have to wait and he said, "I guess you're going to be late for work then."  I had a 7:30 IEP meeting (as a teacher) and I WAS late. 

This 11 year old boy has WAAAY too much power.  I am really struggling with how to get control over my household and implement appropriate boundaries for the kids.  They are all feeling too empowered.

Every Night is the Eve of Destruction

My kids destroy or lose EVERYTHING.  It would be impossible to exaggerate this point.

My boys have destroyed every toy they have ever had.  They have destroyed every piece of furniture and all electronics in their room. Their walls are full of holes, written on with marker and have unidentified hanging objects on them (Food?  Body fluids?  Science experiments?)  The closet door is ripped off.  The ceiling fan and every light has been torn apart.   They have ripped electrical outlets from the wall.  The screens were torn from the windows after multiple holes.  Their mattresses are pulp.  I had to tear up their carpet and they have floorboards now.

I think you get the idea.

My boys are very sweet...really!  I don't understand this behavior.  It's something I really struggle with.

How can such nice, polite young boys display these behaviors?  They are extremely ADHD and lose and forget things constantly, but this destruction seems so extreme.  It makes me have to monitor them extremely closely so that my whole house doesn't look like their bedrooms.  This is tiring.

Their 12 year old sister is slightly better, but also has a tendency to destroy what she has.

The kids cannot explain this behavior to me. 

I admit to feeling angry about some of the the things of mine they have destroyed and it's hard for me to get past some of them even though I know it was not done with malicious intent.  For example, they destroyed the only copy of a VHS tape of my oldest daughter taken when she was an infant to age 5.   They put holes in the walls and screens, etc.  They did damage to my car.

But most of that was done in the first year and I need to move on.  But it's difficult.  Maybe it's because there are so many behaviors to deal with like stealing, lying and not following directions.  It's all exhausting.

Yet...I do have wonderful children.  It seems that almost all of their "anti social" tendencies are exhibited at home and for this I am grateful. Yet completely frustrated.

I wonder if anyone can relate to this or if it just reflects really poor parenting on my part.

Here's the story...of a nutty lady

I am the mom of children who are 15, 12, 11 and almost 10.

I always wanted to adopt and was in the delivery room with the first baby we planned to adopt 17 years ago.  He was with us for two months and his birthmom changed her mind.  Heartbroken, two years later, I adopted my 15 year old when she was 4 months old in an open adoption.  I was married at the time, but we separated and divorced when she was a toddler.  He is completely out of our lives.

  When Ms. D was 9, I decided to adopt a son.  I went through training to adopt an older (special needs) child and when Ms. D was 11, we started visiting a 7 year old boy who lived in a home for children.  He had issues, but I fell in love with him.  I had no idea how troubled he was.

We drove hours every weekend and eventually brought him to our home.  The next two months brought extreme trauma to us.  He was very violent and we were both assaulted daily.  The public schools would not take him, so he was enrolled in a private school an hour away.  Within two months, he was on their list for a residential placement because he was unable to ride a bus to school.  I tried everything to make this work, but he was hospitalized constantly in children's psychiatric wards.  Our lives were spent in emergency rooms and visiting him in hospitals and all we had to look forward to was visiting him when he was placed in a residential facility (as he had been in his home state).   Finally, the state who was his guardian decided he wasn't ready to be in a family.  Four years later, he is still waiting to be adopted and I feel so guilty about this.  I also feel guilty about the loss of innocence of my daughter.

In 2008, I received a referral for two adorable boys from a far away state.  Their sisters were being adopted in my state, so they wanted to place them here.  While I was arranging to meet the boys, the girls' adoption disrupted.  I was asked to adopt Ms. Tween too.  After we met the 3 kids, I agreed.  Ms. Diva was enthusiastic because they seemed "normal".

And now we are 5.  The past 2 1/2 years have been full of adjustments.  Ms Diva had been an only child for 13 years.  The boys had lived together in an abusive foster home for over 5 years.  Ms Tween had lived in 8 foster homes with one disrupted adoptive placement.  My family who live very far away thought I was crazy.

So that's where we are...there hasn't been a "Man named Brady" so the title of the post is a bit misleading.  But this group has somehow formed a family!

A New Title

It's really hard to come up with a good title for a blog.  I consider myself clever, especially with words.  But it's still hard.  I thought my lst title (1 Mom + 4 ADHD Kids =Too Many Variables) was too revealing, too wordy and too abstract.  But I guess if people actually start to read my blog, I'll have to stick with a title.

I am a frustrated mama these days.  Only Little E is causing me very little stress these days.  It's interesting because the first 6 months with him were absolute hell.  One long session of tantrums, rages and chaos.  But he's doing well now and he's still my  little man.  My teen and preteens on the other hand...I think even kids with no "issues" become annoying during this phase.  Add  the issues...and wow!  Constant stress.  I feel like I'm in over my head.

Reading other people's blogs helps me to know that there are others in the same boat as me.  Because no one I know can relate at all.  It's a lonely life.  I chose this life and I want to be happy with it, but I am still trying to figure out how to balance it all without losing myself.

Oppositional Behavior

I try to maintain a positive attitude, but lately there has been so much stress in our home.  A couple of my kids have oppositional and passive aggressive type behaviors (although not all the time).  This is exhausting and then I respond in a way that feeds into it.  Which makes them more oppositional...and the vicious cycle begins yet again.

Mornings can be particularly difficult.  Thank goodness my teenager (Ms. Diva) gets herself up and out in the morning by 6:30 am prepared for her long day (which includes two extracurricular activities at a time sometimes).  My other three are a bit more challenged in the organizational area, so our mornings and evenings are stressful.

This morning, Sean decided to do everything very slowly.  Then I got agitated because we were ready and I was close to being late to work.  Sean attends my school.  I ended up raising my voice and Sean said, "Since you're yelling at me, I'm going to move extra slow" and he proceeds to do everything in slow motion.  Meanwhile the other two kids were in the car.  I feel so powerless in this situation which is just WRONG.

I was crying on my way to school.   I just felt so defeated.  This got my day off to a rough start, but thankfully the rest of my school day went well....until I got home and just had way too much drama for a Wednesday evening.

So,  lately, I begin my days with stress and I end them with stress.  Sigh.

My First Post

I decided to write a blog because I have been reading blogs by other adoptive parents for a year and they have really helped me through tough times! There's nothing like reading about people who can relate to your life and I have been pretty isolated in my venture.

There are so many challenges with raising children and it's impossible to feel successful most of the time. There are so many challenges and the proud moments tend to be numerous, but fleeting.

I am a single mom of four kids and I am also a teacher. These worlds overlap considerably.

I have been feeling extremely stressed lately and started keeping a journal, but I write in it inconsistently. So, I thought I would give this a try. I can get some thoughts out and maybe someone will relate to my experiences.