Saturday, August 27, 2011

Stormy Weather

Earthquakes  Hurricanes?  Why is Mother Nature mimicking my home life?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Leaving on a Jet Plane

What could be better than spending 7 pm to 3 am in the emergency room?  Having to get up a 6 am to go to the airport to fly to Texas with my boys!  She's fine...but I am exhausted especially mentally.  I'll be back on Saturday.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Fear of Flying

I have it.

I flew many, many times as a kid (I was on my 3rd passport at age 11!)  Age 11 is when I developed the fear and I flew alone many times between the ages of 11 and 16 including back and forth to England alone at the ages of 11 and 14!

But I stopped in 1978.  Yes,  33 years ago was the last time I flew on an airplane.  I have taken many Amtrak trains all over the country (love the sleeper cars) and I regularly drive thousands of miles in a couple of weeks' time.  But I have managed to avoid flying.  My 16 year old brother came to visit me when I was 27 and my grandmother died in Texas.  We took a bus from DC to San Antonio and arrived in time for the funeral.  THAT'S a devoted non-flyer!

My fear is partly an extreme fear of heights, partly my need to always be in control, and generally part of my OCD/anxiety pattern of thinking.  I do understand that it is the safest mode of travel.  I do understanding how extremely more dangerous driving is.  How SAFE an activity is does not always correlate with how SCARY it is.  For me flying is scary.  Yet, I am also fascinated by it (aren't we often morbidly interested in stuff that scares us?)

So, what is the point of this post?  I am flying with my boys to Texas on Tuesday morning.  I haven't had time to wrap my mind around the fear which is good I guess.  But it is also a sign that I have so much to worry about that I can't even focus on my phobia.  I am afraid that this will catch up with me at the airport.  I am worried about all the arrangements I have to make for my daughters and everything else.  Plus, just the day to day life we live.

This trip occurred because my stepmother was about to trade in her car when she decided to give it to me.  I am about to have another driver, so it's a godsend.  It's a 2008 Ford Escape.  The only problem was how to get it from Texas.  So, we're flying down and driving back.

So, hopefully, I can survive the worry about being away from my girls for five days and the three day drive with two little boys...and the airplane flight!



Saturday, August 13, 2011

MIA

Once again, I couldn't find my 12 year old son tonight. I called him to dinner and he wasn't in his room.  He was "grounded" today and wasn't even allowed to go outside.  I took them to a Japanese restaurant and we did family things, but he knew he could not go outside to play.  Two hours later, it was after 9 and dark and he still wasn't home and no one on our street had seen him. Finally, I got a lead that he might be with some friends (girls) in another neighborhood. I went to the neighborhood and there were flashing lights of the police.
Of course, it was that house. Cops are everywhere in the neighborhoods near us and the girl's poor dad had just given him a ride home and had been pulled over for a minor traffic violation. He was getting a ticket. He said my son told him his curfew was 11:00, but that "didn't sound right." His response when I asked him about this, "I said my curfew is BEFORE 11:00 which technically every time is.  So, it was the truth."  
My son seems so normal to everyone, but he does not follow any of my rules or directions or have any sense of boundaries.    I have had an occasional problem with my 16 year old daughter not coming home on time, but the biggest difference is she sees the consequence of it and feels (or at least shows) more remorse.  The stress of not knowing where your child is and not having anyway to contact them is the worst feeling in the world.
I don't know that I am cut out to parent teens and preteens.  I need to have too much control over my life.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Puff..and Other Stuff

Good Things:

  • We finally saw the last Harry Potter film.  Good time for all.
  • Eating at Chipotle Grill
  • Setting up therapy appointments for the kids
  • Annoying some of the kids in the car by playing one of  my youngest sons' favorites Peter, Paul and Mary so he could "sing along" (If I Had a Hammer...lol)

 Challenging Things :
  • Having to watch the boys vigilantly all the time and they still get in trouble
  • Looking for my boys who think they can just "disappear" in the neighborhoods despite our rules for where you can go and how you get permission
  • Arguing/babbling/hyperactivity/lying/immature boys ALL day
  • One son rebelling against every day stuff, wearing a seatbelt, picking up a sister from band camp
  • One of the sons breaking something valuable in the garage (don't know which son)
  • Leaving for half an hour to pick up ADHD prescription (with 16 year old daughter and boys home) and coming home to a mess and reports of threats of bodily harm with instruments
  • Kitten climbing into my shower that is being constructed and falling into the ceiling below with a thump (yes, the infamous kitchen ceiling) and thinking she might be badly hurt! Thank goodness I put a wood board there and she managed to make her way back up and is fine
  • Committing frogicide when I took out the recycling and stepped on a frog. 
  • Having few options for a break since son got suspended from Boys and Girls Club on the 2nd day
  • Pondering that school doesn't start until late August..and that one of my sons is suspended the first week, so it's no clean, fresh start
Puff the Magic Dragon lived by the sea and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called....




Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Can I go to the store already?

Last night, Ms. CPS worker called to tell me that she wanted to come today and that she would be here sometime between 11:30 and 4:00 (apparently, her last job was with Comcast).  Well, it's almost 5:00 and....still no cable...er, I mean CPS.  Is she for real?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Still in Limbo

So far, no follow up.  I feel like a hostage.  I told a few of my church friends about it and my minister and DRE are coming over tomorrow to help me "make a game plan" and just to give me support.  Not having any family here and not working during the summer makes me feel extremely isolated.  Hmmm...imagine feeling lonely with 4 kids!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Lost Opportunity

As regular readers know, I am being investigated by CPS on very weak "charges".  At this point, the charge is a messy house.  Today, I had a reality check when a wonderful group of people from a coworker's church came over to help me with some big projects I need to do at my house.  The planning of this started before the CPS investigation.  These wonderful people are going to help me refloor the whole downstairs, do landscaping, paint and do little jobs such as  replacing ceiling fans.  I decided to tell my co-worker about the CPS thing before he came so he could give me an honest appraisal.  He was shocked.  He said everything about my house looks completely normal and that all of the work I need done is cosmetic (except the big bathroom project that someone has been working on for awhile).  So I guess the camera crew for this hoarder who is in denial will have to wait awhile longer.

So, those are my wonderful opportunities.  But this post is about a lost opporrtunity.

My 16 year old daughter decided she would get started on a big project with the help of one of the church members and she actually completed it after they left.  She and my 12 year old son who is alienated from everyone in the family in some ways and her completely worked together on the entire project.  It was great to see because she ignores him and he doesn't like her.  Yet, he wants her approval so badly.  He wants to be like her.  Heartwarming...yes.  Until I blew it.

I noticed that he was painting too quickly and making some messy errors.  Since it was the foyer  and hallway, I got very agitated because that will be Ms. Social Worker's first view.  So, I went off.  I yelled at her for trusting my very destructive son with such a task and basically crushed his sense  of pride for doing something positive instead of negative.  : (

My daughter let me know I was out of line and I was.  I felt terrible.  The bigger picture was lost because we're all living in terror of this judgmental woman who cannot imagine how we live or what's important to us.

So, we skipped church and I cleaned the house and did house projects from 7 am until midnight.  Does that mean my house was a disaster?  No, it's normal.  It is impossible to make a 2000 square foot house with  10, 12, 13, 16 and 49 year old humans and two teenage (read: old) cats look perfect.  Especially when it's an older home and you're in middle of home improvement projects.

I honestly feel like I have no control over the outcome of this .  It depends on what SHE wants and what SHE says.

Friday, July 15, 2011

OCD

 I have it.

It makes it difficult when I'm in situations like my current one.  The most common way it manifests itself is with obsessive thoughts.  At certain times on my life, it has been torture (when I was 7 and my dad was in Vietnam, after my mom left when I was 9, during high school and then college...and finally obsessing about my daughter to an unhealthy degree when she was a baby.  Health anxiety has been prominent in many phases of my life to an obsessive degree).  I also have had counting rituals and obsessive checking at times in my life.  The  way it manifests itself seems to depend on my stage of life and particular stressors.

I was first diagnosed when I was in my early 20s when I weighed under 60 lbs, yet my anorexia nervosa seemed to be unusual compared to many typical cases.  The doctor suggested that it seemed more like OCD with major anxietyI have taken medication at various times in my life and probably should be currently.  I think this may have a genetic component.

Everyone has some tendencies that could be  viewed as being symptoms of OCD as they are all based on something "normal" (washing your hands, checking your stove, cleaning your house, worrying, etc), but the key is the degree to which  it interferes with your life and normal functioning.  There were times in my childhood and young adulthood where it was the dominant factor.  So, who knew?  Mostly no one.  OCD is a very internalized problem and that adds to the torture and loneliness.

My current situation has me viewing everything through the prism of an upcoming catastrophe. The ongoing stress in my life seems like it's leading to an inevitable bad outcome. I need to feel like I have control in my life and it seems like it's slipping away.  I think part of it is that I have been very open and I  am very self deprecating.  People hear this and it's being used against me now.  You have to be very careful about who to trust and who to vent around (I know that it's ironic that I'm typing that on a blog).  I know some wonderful people, but I don't think most people can understand what moms of traumatized kids go through.  It's never normal, but it's OUR normal.





Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A New Day

I have a better perspective today.  I so appreciate the words of support on my blog and on Facebook.  It gave me strength.  My 16 year old daughter also hugged and kissed me which meant so much. 

Today,  I felt more angry than distraught.  Why should I be bullied?  The thought of a stranger coming into my house and putting me down like that...wow!  I am already so hard on myself.  That was almost unbearable .  And she went so far.  Even when we stepped outside (and my HUGE lawn was mowed and there we no toys left out), she complained about the spider webs on the siding and the weeds among the bushes and the fact that there was a book on our bench. (Both women kept saying, "We hate mess").

I wrote a letter that I am planning to send to several people and agencies. 

Last night at 2:00 am, I was awakened by my 16 year old daughter crying that she had a nightmare and asking if she could sleep with me.  This is a totally independent teenager.  I asked her about it and she said she dreamed they were taking her away from me and she couldn't stop them.  This is a child who was an only child into her teens and then had her world disrupted when I adopted three more kids.

It's been a hard road for all of us and this is the LAST thing she should have to worry about!!  But she knows that the social worker did say that she would take "all four" of my kids if the house isn't cleaned "thoroughly".  They also let the kids know that they can come by any time.  It's like we're hostages in our own home.  It's scary because our house is cleaner and tidier than some of the families we know.

I'm not sure what will happen next.  I have requested that a supervisor come to my house instead of the two  social workers.  The deadline for me "cleaning my house thoroughly, exclamation point times two" is next Monday, so I wonder if they'll come then.

And this is all in addition to "real life" stuff.

Monday, July 11, 2011

CPS Nightmare Redux

Over two months ago, my children were taken out of class at their respective schools because someone had reported that I had a hole in my kitchen ceiling (true) and that we had no running water (never true).    Also,  I found out today, it was stated erroneously that I don’t seek counseling for my children’s mental health needs (untrue, my kids have received counseling through a mental health agency and private sources for years and we are working with their family assistance program also. I have a referral into a new family counseling service and I am working with a hospital to have my boys evaluated.   My children are all on medication and have pediatric check-ups every two to three months).  

 It seemed that the social worker was not too concerned because after the first day, she did not call me back to schedule a follow up for a long time.  I called back several  times and only got the answering machine. Then this morning, she came to my house.

When we awoke, the electricity was off.  My kids ate and were in their bedrooms while  I was working on trying to work out an insurance issue for one of my children which I had been doing for about an hour when there was a loud bang on the door.  My kids looked out the window and said there were two well-dressed African American women outside.  I assumed they were Jehovah’s Witnesses since we weren’t expecting anyone and that’s common in our neighborhood.  My kids are not allowed to open the door for strangers.  Several minutes later, there was loud banging on the door and someone was yelling in the door for me.  I had to abandon the important call and get dressed.  

It was apparent immediately that I was in trouble as I had taken too long to answer the door.  Another issue was that there was an overwhelming odor that I had never smelled before downstairs.  I’m not going to lie:  it was really bad!  I didn’t have any time to process this because of course she noticed.  We discovered the unusual source of the odor after she left and took care of it (I had thought it was a dirty litter box, but it wasn’t).  Also, she wanted to know  ”who was asleep on my couch”.  Answer:  my teenager, but the tone made me feel embarrassed.
The social worker was very confrontational .    She told us that we had to find our two cats and put them away because they were both highly allergic and didn't like cats.  I tend to be very civil in all situations, but she was so aggressive.  She told me to turn on the lights.  I said we didn’t have any on.  She asked why.  I said the electricity is off.  She said, “Why is your electricity off?” in such an accusatory way that I did snap at her and say I didn’t know.  The electricity was all off all day all over my part of the county but it sounded like she wanted me to say that I hadn’t paid my bill.  

She walked around the house which I would say is a bit messy, but okay for a busy family of 5.  We spend a couple of hours a day tidying and cleaning and I do ten or more loads of laundry a week.  All the kids have chores.   My daughter had just taken out the recycling and trash and had dropped a chicken bone from the bag in the kitchen.  The social worker went off about this.  She also went off about my library (where the kids are not allowed to go) because I had piles of books everywhere.   My summer project is sorting the books to give many of them away because we have having several rooms of our house remodeled and we have too many books.   I apologized to the social worker because we have so many books!   She told me to do something about that!

  She pointed out everything that was out of place.   She told me that I need to teach my kids better and take more pride in my home.  She said her kids listen when she tells them to do something and mine can too.   She glanced about the rest of the house and the only truly messy room is my sons’ room because they are very destructive.  I have to monitor them every minute to make sure it stays contained to their bedroom only.  Ironically, my kids think I'm a clean fanatic.

I was told that she had planned to dismiss the case, but she couldn’t because my house was too messy.  She said she would develop a Safety Plan for me to sign.  She said if my house wasn’t clean  by next week , she could take all four of my kids.    My 16 year old (who had been traumatized by the visit to her high school months ago)  told the social worker she didn’t want to be taken away.  She responded, “I don’t know what your mother has told you…”  The answer is that my teenager is the one that was made to believe that.  I had told her there was no chance that they would take children because they were having home repairs done.  She now knows that I was wrong.
 
Then she brought the other social worker in after I put the cats away.  This social worker talked to my boys about helping out, but it was obvious that they have no insight into the levels of issues with my boys.   But one did say, "have you ever considered that some of your kids may have Reactive Attachment Disorder?"

 They showed me the “Safety Plan” and I asked what I could do if I disagreed with it since I was signing a document that said I recognize that my kids can be taken away if I don’t  clean my house.  She said in a hostile voice that I could see them in court.  What I meant was not that I wouldn’t comply, but rather that I did not agree that I don’t do my laundry, clean my toilets (which she didn’t see), clean linens,  vacuum, take out the trash, etc.  the one thing I did agree with her about was the litter box because the odor was bad and it is not typically.  After she left we discovered that the smell was not the litter boxes which we scrub every Sunday, but rather something that my elderly sick cat had done that needed to be cleaned up.  Once it was cleaned up, there was no odor.
After they left we were shell shocked.  I just cried because being a single mom of 4 teens and preteens  with special needs is hard enough without the added expectation of a spotless house.  I put enough pressure on the kids about keeping the house clean.  

 It’s doubtful that my children will be taken because there is absolutely no danger to their physical well-being or safety.  I am a very protective parent.  However, I do see this bombastic style of confronting my family as emotionally damaging to them as individuals and as detrimental to our fragile sense of ourselves as a family unit.  It is not easy to bring together so many older children who have not lived together and create a sense of family unity.  The result of this morning’s visit was not that everyone decided to stick together and work this out as a family, but rather to place blame on those that were responsible for the “messes” and to wonder if some can stay and some can go if it comes to that.  One asked if only the sloppiest of them can go and I had to explain that the issue wasn’t whether they were too sloppy, but whether I was good enough parent to them.  One said that perhaps he should be the one to go since he breaks everything.  This is a heartbreaking situation for me.


Friday, July 1, 2011

Wow...So long

I haven't posted in so long. I do follow other people's blogs though.

Updates:

CPS just called me again and left a message to talk about the referral.  I have spoken to no one since my kids were interviewed (see previous post).  I guess they can't be too worried, but I need to have this resolved.

Summer is here.  Trying to provide routine and structure or we will all go mad.

We are working on getting more assistance and some evaluations.

Teens and preteens are so hard to deal with....

I will definitely update more during the summer.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Child Protective Services

Well...the good news is that the major crisis only lasted a day or two before I was able to isolate the problem and begin to work on a solution.  The bad news is:  we had a visit from Child Protective Services!

My teenager called me from school hysterically crying because she had been pulled out of class and interviewed by two CPS workers about my neglect due to our unsafe house.  Apparently all three of my other children were subjected to the same.  How traumatic is it for children who have been permanently removed from their birth home by CPS to be interviewed by CPS in their adoptive home?  Ms D has asked me ten times since I picked her up early from track practice if they are going to take her away from me.

The terrible neglect/child endangerment issue is that my shower sprung a leak in the wall two weeks ago and it leaked through the kitchen ceiling onto the stove and floor.  I am having to have the bathroom floors, some walls and kitchen ceiling replaced in addition to fixing the plumbing problem.  I can't afford to do all this at once.  For two days, I turned all the water off UPSTAIRS (until I could isolate where all the leaks are coming from) which meant we had to use toilets and sinks downstairs and for a couple of days, I took them to a friends house to shower.

 Once I found out where the leak was by taking down part of the kitchen ceiling to see the pipes , I turned the hot water only off upstairs and I turn it back on when we bathe.  The only limitation we have is the kids have to take a bath and they'd rather take showers (although it's hard to get Sean to take either).  That's the whole plumbing story.  The other thing that happened is that a connection must be loose in the wall because the electricity to the upstairs bathrooms and one of the bedrooms (MINE!) went out last weekend, so we are having to use flashlights in there.  I am the main one suffering because of that, not them.

I have told this story to some people for two reasons: 1)  It kind of illustrates my life in a humorous way ("It's always something") and 2)  I was hoping someone could recommend a really nice electrician and/or plumber who could do some work and hold off full payment until my tax refund comes (which is being delayed because all returns that took an adoption tax credit are).  I just saved up and paid $5300 for a new heat pump last month so we would have heat and a/c, so I'm a bit broke.

Here's why I'm angry:  I'm angry that there is someone who thinks so little of me that they believe I would endanger my kids.  I'm angry that someone didn't just come talk to me about it since it's obviously an inconvenience, but not neglect.  I'm angry that with no emergency situation, they went to my kids' school instead of just calling me and coming here to see for themselves and talk to them here.  I'm upset that someone went to my children's school WHERE I WORK to investigate ME.  I'm angry that I cannot trust anyone we have interacted because someone decided that instead of offering help, it was better to add more stress to my life.  I'm angry that someone upset my kids (who have trauma overload) over something that they have pretty much taken in stride.  I'm angry because I have to be investigated by Child Protective Services because my shower and sink pipes sprung leaks resulting in me having to do expensive home repairs.  Heck, maybe they will decide my home is "unlivable" and then we can be homeless!

I actually thought this was a pretty typical kind of penny-strapped, homeowner problem to have and I know many people who have gone through this and none of them had a CPS "file" because of it.

I feel like I cannot get a break.  This feels like a slap in the face.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Crisis/Emergency/Drama???

I haven't posted in awhile because..well frankly, few people read  my blog, so it's more of a journal....and real life has reared its ugly head often lately.

Here's where I stand in life:

  • My adoption tax credit has gone the way most of ours have...April 5, April 12, April 19, Review.  Endless letters and sending the same stuff.  I called today and they said to call again in 45 days.  But I feel it is an emergency that I need my money NOW.
  • My kids have major issues and I am feeling more and more distant from them...or maybe I have major issues.
  • I have major home repair issues that are pushing me over the top.
  • We have only one sink and one toilet available--no bath or showers, so we'll have to make arrangements.
  • I am despondent tonight...
I don't feel I can deal with any of my issues while my house is literally falling apart.  There are leaks and damage in both of my upstairs bathrooms to the point that showers, toilets and sinks are leaking through the ceiling into the kitchen and are unavailable.  Major leaks that involve six pans, multiple holes and no end in sight.  And incredible mold.  I cannot get the leaking to stop even by shutting off all water and I have to empty all the pans every two hours.  I have to work tomorrow.  I am a middle school special education teacher.

I have a handyman who is trying to help me with some repairs each Saturday for the past few weeks.  He has replaced doors that my kids tore off the hinges, done some bathroom work and he will do many more repairs.  But after this Saturday's visit, everything fell apart.  Both bathrooms started leaking in multiple places...apparently from very old plumbing just decaying.

If I had the tax credit, I'd still be stressed (and terribly disappointed  that I couldn't build a savings for padding), but I could call someone to fix stuff.

Oh, and the electricity went off last week due to faulty wiring, so I have no electricity upstairs...circuit breakers appear fine (thankfully, it's okay downstairs where the major appliances are).

As it stands, I have $8 in my checking account.  I have no reserve.  I get paid again on May 6.   My kids' expectations are that everything is normal and they can demand whatever they usually do.  The leaking from the upstairs toilet is directly on the stove and splattering everywhere, so I have had to make the kitchen off limits.

 I am in a crisis and I hate it.  Although I am usually hanging on by a thread, I still always come through tough times.  But for now,   I can't get the water to stop.  I am alone.  There really is no resolution.  I just have to wait and have every day be like "Ground Hog Day."   Same thing everyday...no bathrooms, no kitchen...no solution.

I hope that I will have a different perspective tomorrow night...and that the water will STOP.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Don't Die

My 13 year old daughter (Ms. Tween...may need to change her name) came back from a 2 week trip to Europe with my Dad and Stepmom today.  I had warned them that while my daughter was intellectually 13, her life skills/organizational skills are more like an 8 year old.

Thank goodness I did that.  They said my daughter is a sweetheart.  However, their thoughts are these:

My dad was ready to start a Fan Club in my honor.  My stepmom (a Catholic nun for 14 years) was ready to nominate me for sainthood (a Unitarian Universalist saint?).  But their overwhelming thought was:

My health is very, very important and I need to take care of myself.  I cannot die (no pressure though).

They said that they talked about what would happen if I died and they cannot imagine anyone in my family being able to raise my kids and even one of them would be difficult for anyone.

These are extremely intelligent, polite, sweet kids.  Yet, my parents "get it."  My kids are so difficult to deal with on a day to day basis because (despite the 11th grade reading levels and advanced math skills), you have to tell them EVERYTHING minute to minute.  They don;t function as they should with their intellect.

On the one hand, this overwhelmed me.  My kids really are that difficult?!

But on the other hand it was affirmation.  I am not crazy.  My kids are very difficult to raise.  NO ONE in my family could handle even one of these sweet, smart kids. 

So, I realize that I need to make very concrete plans about what will happen to my kids if I die.  When I had one, it was easy.  But now, it may have to be more specific and I may have to have more open conversations.

I am curious about how families with many children with disabilities (and none of my kids are identified as having any beyond ADHD which does not qualify them for an IEP or 504 because they are so "smart.") deal with the custody issue if all parents die.  Who will raise your children and are they truly prepared?  I think my family is inclined to support family, but I .......


CANNOT DIE!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Condiments

When did all meals have to be accompanied by every condiment in the fridge?  I don't remember meals when I was a child involving condiments unless we were having hamburgers or hot dogs.  Then it was usually ketchup.  But my children want condiments with everything.  It seems that for every meal, someone wants ranch, honey mustard, barbecue sauce, thousand island dressing, blue cheese dressing, spicy mustard, salsa, sweet and sour, tartar sauce, hot sauce.  Sometimes ketchup which has become blase.

I think it comes from three events:  the advent of chicken nuggets;  places that serve wings with their pizza including an array of  condiment choices; and school lunches where a wide variety of condiments are always available .  My kids think you have to dip your pizza in something especially ranch dressing or some kind of buttery garlic sauce.

I think I am too controlling in this area.  For chicken nuggets, the sky's the limit.  But for everything else, I think it's unnecessary and uncouth to dip everything in a sauce.  Tartar sauce is for fried seafood only, doggone it!  I guess I'm a food snob.  But I just find it irritating.

I wonder if this is just my house or if condiments are overrepresented at other houses.  Is it possible for a household to survive without ranch dressing in the house?

Friday, January 21, 2011

Sweet 16



My baby is turning 16!  It is hard to even process that the years between the first photo in this post taken in 1995 and the last taken last year have gone by so quickly.  She is such a beautiful person and I cannot imagine my life without her.  She breaks my heart because she is such a big part of it.  Happy Birthday!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Enemy

..that is me.

At one time, I was the most important person in her world and she could not stand to be away from me.  She slept in my bed for 12 years.  In kindergarten, she cried for hours when I left her at school.  For  months.  When she went to Europe with my dad at age 11, she sobbed for hours on the plane.  We both struggled with separation, but it was healthy for both of us.

I am writing about my teenager daughter who is about to turn 16.  She rarely seems to need me anymore and is openly disrespectful much of the time.  I am glad she is growing up and developing her independence.  But does she have to be so hostile

Of course she does need me, but I'm not sure how to parent her.  She and I were alone for many years and she is a bit "spoiled."  It is so hard for me to "put my foot down."  I just expect that she will make the right decisions.  However, she has made some BIG mistakes in the last year and I worry about her impulsive behavior and eagerness to please anyone except me.  But I am also so proud of her.  I'm proud of who she is and what she has accomplished.

Yet, I also worried that she is SO self-centered.  She never buys me a gift or acknowledges me at Christmas, my birthday or Mother's Day.  But she wants me to help her be generous with her friends.  This really does feel like a thankless job.  But more than that, I want her to be a generous human being who recognizes the needs and pain of others.  I'm not sure if she does. 

How much of this is normal teenage angst and drama and how much is a sign that things are not going well, I do not know.  She is a confused girl.  the world sees her as this very together girl who is good at many things.  I see deeper and it worries me.

I am tired of being the enemy.  I love her so much and want her to know that I am on her side.  But realistically, this isn't going to happen soon.

If any moms of teenage girls have any insight, it would be greatly appreciated.  My other daughter turned 13 last week!  I have only been her mom for 2 1/2 years, so this will be a different experience.  BUT...2 teenage daughters?  I'm not sure if I'm ready.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

2011...So far

 So far so good with some minor glitches.

Today I met with an agency that is going to provide my middle school kids with some therapy and some other family services.  It will be nice to have someone to give advice and even give me a break!  I was shocked when the woman said they would take the kids on "outings."

The woman asked me how things have changed in the last two years since the younger kids arrived.  She was amused when I described it:  I said, "Back then, my life looked like the first 20 minutes of a "Super Nanny" episode"  ALL THE TIME.  And worse.  How come the houses on Super Nanny always look so nice?

It's not like that anymore, but we still have our moments and life never feels completely "normal."

Yet, what single parent of 4 teens and pre-teens can say their life is "normal"?  It may be, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

I appreciate everyone's blogs because I have found people who can relate to what I go through.  It is a rather lonely life especially for a single parent (although that can have its advantages too).  I don't know anyone in "real life" who has a life similar to mine.  But there are still many people who empathize and want to help my kids.  I need to learn to accept more support instead of trying to be so stubbornly independent.

So, this is a big step for me in seeking assistance after 2 1/2 years of going it alone.  We'll see how it goes.