OCD

 I have it.

It makes it difficult when I'm in situations like my current one.  The most common way it manifests itself is with obsessive thoughts.  At certain times on my life, it has been torture (when I was 7 and my dad was in Vietnam, after my mom left when I was 9, during high school and then college...and finally obsessing about my daughter to an unhealthy degree when she was a baby.  Health anxiety has been prominent in many phases of my life to an obsessive degree).  I also have had counting rituals and obsessive checking at times in my life.  The  way it manifests itself seems to depend on my stage of life and particular stressors.

I was first diagnosed when I was in my early 20s when I weighed under 60 lbs, yet my anorexia nervosa seemed to be unusual compared to many typical cases.  The doctor suggested that it seemed more like OCD with major anxiety.  I have taken medication at various times in my life and probably should be currently.  I think this may have a genetic component.

Everyone has some tendencies that could be  viewed as being symptoms of OCD as they are all based on something "normal" (washing your hands, checking your stove, cleaning your house, worrying, etc), but the key is the degree to which  it interferes with your life and normal functioning.  There were times in my childhood and young adulthood where it was the dominant factor.  So, who knew?  Mostly no one.  OCD is a very internalized problem and that adds to the torture and loneliness.

My current situation has me viewing everything through the prism of an upcoming catastrophe. The ongoing stress in my life seems like it's leading to an inevitable bad outcome. I need to feel like I have control in my life and it seems like it's slipping away.  I think part of it is that I have been very open and I  am very self deprecating.  People hear this and it's being used against me now.  You have to be very careful about who to trust and who to vent around (I know that it's ironic that I'm typing that on a blog).  I know some wonderful people, but I don't think most people can understand what moms of traumatized kids go through.  It's never normal, but it's OUR normal.