Good Samaritans

Kids are nestled all snug in their beds...I'll be playing Santa soon.

I have had an unusual number of Good Samaritan experiences during the past few weeks and yet another one today.  My mother's gifts to the kids arrived on Monday, but I didn't know it because the slip was lodged in the mailbox.  I found it at 1:15 today.  I called the post office and the woman said they closed at noon.  THEN she said, "If you come right now. I'll give it to you."  I arrived at 1:30 ( an hour and a half after they closed) to the closed post office.  I called back and the woman opened the doors and got my package!  Thanks to her, my kids can call their Bubba and Pop tomorrow to thank them for the gifts.

This is a time of year when I am trying to remember that even with all the stress of our lives, we really are quite fortunate.  And I want to make sure that I pay all the good deeds forward.

A Parent Conference Beat Down

I had a parent conference with all my 6th grader's teachers and the guidance counselor and it has left me feeling discouraged and angry.

Back ground info:  I teach 8th grade at the same middle school my 6th and 7th grade children attend.  My son is extremely bright, but his grades suffer because of his weak organizational skills and extreme ADHD.  He is generally very well-behaved.  He has had no behavior issues at school.

At the meeting, I wanted to make it clear that my child has come a long, long way, but is still dealing with some very basic skills and behaviors at home at times.  In this context, the expectations of 8 classes and 6th grade are challenging.  I am not expecting them to lower their expectations, but I want them to understand.

Here's what I got from one of the teachers:

• If I cannot handle my child at home, how are they supposed to handle him?
• My child would not do the things he does at home if he was HIS son.
• Why don't I set any expectations or consequences at home?
• Since he doesn't respect me, soon he will start disrespecting his teachers.

It was pretty devastating to me.  This is a colleague of mine.  I'm not sure what his motivation is.  Nothing I said was meant to give anyone any of the above impressions.

I feel compelled to stop sharing any background information at all with teachers.  Usually, I think it's helpful, but today it backfired.  Sure, teachers will still think I'm incompetent because my kid is often a mess and rarely has his homework, but I doubt if I will get the harsh statements I got today . 

Part of the problem is that I am insecure about my parenting, so this hit home.  But this person has no idea what it's like to parent traumatized children.  His judgments are harsh.




 

Twenty Things that Make me Smile

Since I have been in a really bad spot in my life lately, I thought I would try to focus on good today!

Little Things that Make Me Smile:

• When Ms. Diva gets a certain happy look on her face and says, "Mommy" and then shares part of her life with me.
• That all my kids call me "Mommy."
• Watching Ms. Tween focus when she's getting ready to dive into the pool.
• Listening to my kids tell "Yo Mama" jokes in the back seat.
• When Little E sings a song he's learned in Chorus while I'm driving.
• When Sean begs to go to the library to check out books.
• When people tell me what good manners my children have.
• Watching Ms. Diva perform with her school marching band at football games.
• Listening to Little E play in the bathtub.
• Last night when Sean said, "Mom, I've noticed when I'm cooperative, you seem a lot happier."
• Watching my cats sleep.
• When my dad said my children are "wonderful."
• When  Little E asked me " What did the grape say to the elephant ?"    I gave up and he responded: "Nothing...grapes can't talk!"
• Talking about the Harry Potter books with my sons.
• Knowing  that all my children will try ANY new food.
• How nonjudgmental and kindhearted my kids are to people with any kind of "difference"
• That all 4 of my kids are thrilled with a trip to the Thrift Store
• Listening to my children read to me.
• That my 3 youngest kids would rather read and play Scrabble than just about anything else.
• That my oldest child would rather do ANYTHING than read books and play Scrabble ; )

E's First Concert

E sang in his first winter concert tonight with the school chorus.  So cute!  It's nice to see the youngest having his own moment in the spotlight.

Homeschooling

I am not a homeschooler.  I don't think I could ever be a homeschooling parent.  My patience would be gone quickly.  Also, as I told my youngest  son a couple years ago when he asked me if I would home school him, "Son, that would actually be homeless schooling since I would have to quit my job."

I know several parents that home school and they do it so that they can incorporate Christian teaching into all subject matters or they want to limit their children's exposure to negative influences.  Anohter family has their kids on an accelerated program and they all start college at 13 or 14.

I fit into none of those categories.

But I am beginning to understand why there are also some parents who choose to home school their children who learn differently or who have special needs. 

Report cards came out today for high school and middle school students.  My oldest daughter who is a sophomore had a great report card...all A's and B's with one D in a very hard subject.  She has to work her butt off in school and never has a missing assignment.  but she has ADHD, language processing issues and reads below grade level.  She has no IEP or 504, so she has to work very hard.  She tests very poorly which caused her to fail everything in 4th grade in her test based school.  She also is in marching band and does a sport each season.  GPA was 3.3 with a D!  Public school is great for her at this point.

Then there are Ms. Tween (7th grade) and Sean (6th grade).  They attend my middle school.  Their ability and achievement is above grade level and he is WAY above grade level.  Yet their ADHD and executive functioning deficits make them unable to achieve at high levels.  Ms. Tween's GPA was 1.3...a D average.  She never has her stuff, turns in her classwork and homework sporadically.  She is very nonchalant about it.  Maybe because of her very difficult life to this point, something as abstract as poor report grades cannot be viewed as something to get upset about.  She may still be in "survival" mode.

Sean...a 2.1 GPA.  He is in all advanced classes.  In his 3 strongest subjects, he has a D.  But when you break the grade down, his average for tests and quizzes is an A.  He knows the material.  But he doesn't turn in the easy stuff.

After school, I went to talk to a guidance counselor and I lost it.  I said, "I feel like my kids are going to be bus drivers or Wal-Mart cashiers."  There is nothing wrong with that, but my kids are SMART.  And they have ambition.  They want to attend college and have careers that require graduate school.   They can research and plan that out.  But in "real life," they live in the moment.  And I do mean "moment"-2 minutes from now is not on their radar yet.

My philosophy is that kids have to take responsibility for their own education in middle school.  With Ms. Tween, I feel like I can't care more than she does.  And I do.  But Sean really does get upset that he is not working up to his potential.  It's embarrassing to be an underachieving kid in advanced classes.  And I think he can connect the dots to his future better.

This is all complicated by the fact that I teach at their school.  I can never get away from the pressure of having two severely underachieving kids.  I might as well be homeschooling them!  As home schooled kids, I do believe they would do well.  Except that they (and me!) are so strong willed that I don't think any of us would live through it.  Weekends are often a disaster because we have no breaks from each other.

I can see how their differences make it difficult for them to meet the rigid expectations of my public school.  Yet they certainly help the school out come state test time when they score advanced on the tests.  But is that what it's all about?  No.  It's about real kids who just don't make the cut and will eventually give up their dreams.  That's my fear.

Liking and Loving Your Child

I love my children.  Yet, lately, I have been feeling like I don't like them at times.  More often than I would like.

If I had never adopted my 3 younger children, I would not LOVE them, but I think I would LIKE them very much.  They are very likeable children.  They have so many good qualities and they are sweet.

But with me, of course, they feel safe enough to show another side of themselves.  And living with that side (multiplied by so many kids) can really beat me down.  Then I find myself focusing on the negative and barely able to see the positive.

So, I would like to see my kids more through the eyes of others and the way I would if I wasn't overwhelmed by behaviors, mess and bad habits.

I honestly do feel that I have control over all of this.  I could set a positive tone and raise my expectations.  Or...I could also decide to let some things go instead of letting them bother me so much.  Yet, I feel like I blame them and rant and rave too much.

I love my kids and they love me.

But I just can't find the right balance.

Long Time No Blog

It has been awhile since I've blogged.  I'm not sure many people read this blog, but I have continued to be inspired and silently supported by others' blogs.

I really want to get to a good place so that I can be an example of someone who is able to inspire others-not someone who just complains about how difficult her children are.  My children have some great qualities and I want to be able to put the problems in perspective.

And the place I've been in for most of 2010 is just keeping my head above water and sometimes "losing it."  I so want to get to a better place.