Friday, October 15, 2010

Negative Nelly

I feel like this blog has been negative so far.  And I don't mean it to be.  Our lives ARE very stressful.  But lately, it's been so much worse for me.

I have never liked the summer with its hot weather and lack of structure.  This past summer we did have a mostly fun 3500 mile round trip by car (ONE driver) to visit family.  THAT was an adventure and I lived through it.  But for the rest of the summer, money was tight and stress was high.

So, I was expecting life to get back to "normal" when school started.  But it's just added another layer of stress.  I have had some health problems that are probably partly stress related.  Everything feels overwhelming. 

I have always been happy to be a single parent, but it feels very lonely and overwhelming lately.  The children are all too immature and self centered to worry about me.  And I am reluctant to share the level of dysfunction in my home to anyone else including family.  So, I struggle alone.

My children are so high maintenance.  Maybe all kids are, but mine feel so much more than most and it doesn't feel like it gets better as they get older.  It may be worse or maybe it just ticks me off more to have to constantly pick up after kids who are 10, 11, 12 and 15.   And they don't seem to care.

The worst part is that it is taking the joy out of our lives.  My children all have wonderful qualities and we could have so much fun together.  But I can't get beyond the day to day survival mode.

So, how does one get past this and find joy?  I miss the feeling of looking forward to fun things.  I miss not being angry.  My children will only be young once and I want them to have good memories.

3 comments:

Psycho Mom said...

Do you happen to know if you may be dealing with more than abuse/neglect and ADHD issues? Are you able to find out if there was any alcohol exposure prenatally? If so, this can answer a lot of questions for you!! I highly recommend reading Damaged Angels by Bonnie Buxton if you have not yet, it is a great book. You are in a battle, that is for sure. Changing expectations has been the most helpful thing in our lives. Good luck. :)

Denise said...

I stopped blogging for awhile because I felt so negative, but friends urged me to start again. It's good to let it out, even when it's negative. I understand feeling like the joy is gone, and always being angry, and then feeling guilty about it.

The Heather Forbes seminar I attended today addressed all of those things. It was so good to be in a room full of people in the same boat! Have you looked online to see if there are any adoption groups in your area?

sadiesmom said...

I know I tend to blog the most when things aren't going well. It is like a journal for me and let's me spill my feelings honestly in a safe way. I also like to read peoples blogs that I can relate to, and unfortunately I relate to your struggles. I love when I can share a sucess story or something that has really worked for me, and when I can read others ideas too...but truthfully I already see a great therapist and psychiatrist. It is just a relief to know we aren't alone.